I’ve been told that this picture has been used before for our Friday Fictioneer prompt. When I went back into my archives, I found the picture but I’d never written a story. Who knows what happened that day? So here’s a fresh never been told, by me, story. Thanks Rochelle and Al.
PHOTO PROMPT © Al Forbes
If it ain’t been for da’ problem, Jacob and Ruby would a’ made it cross dat lazy ole river
but God or da water, somethin’ or someone had a different plan.
All morning they’d lugged moonshine up dat hill to Mister Avirett’s Model T.
He’d promised them $50 and a ride to Orleans
where Jacob could finally start his night club.
Yes, indeedy Jacob shore be lookin’ forward to dat.
When they found my boy and his wife all drowned
Mister Avirett act as if he never seen them two before.
Just drove away with $200 worth of ‘shine hid beneath the seats.
(101 words)
Great voice and a believable tragic story.
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Thanks, Iain.
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Dear Lish,
I love the voice that really sets the stage for the story. Very sad and well told.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks, Rochelle.
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I’m always wary of dialect voices (I’ve used a few myself in Friday Fictioneers). But this one definitely works for me
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Thanks, Neil. I tried hard not to overdue it. Glad it worked for you.
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Loved the voice, Mr Avirett sounds a shady character.
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I do believe he is. Thanks for reading!
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Great local color! Love the story.
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Thanks very much. Alicia
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I echo all the others’ sentiments… This was a well-told tale in a great voice!
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I echo the thanks! ; – )
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What on earth happened? Did he abandon them? Bump them off to cover the secret of the moonshine? Was there a fight when he refused to give them a lift after all? Gorgeous snippet of a much bigger tale – I could see this being a dark, longer story
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Lynn, thanks for wondering. That’s what I meant to happen.
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Such a trease 🙂
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My dad used to run moonshine when he was a teenager. He told me he buried bottles beside every other telephone pole. Then, once he got paid, he’d dig them up. Businessman even then.
Great characters and story, Alicia!
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Thank you. The family on my mother’s side were rum runners in the 1920’s. That’s where this story started then it took on a life of its own. Thanks for sharing your moonshine story.
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The voice worked fine, Alicia. Well done!
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Glad it worked. Thanks, Sandra.
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Quite the accent you’re imparted your narrator. Does it have an origin in your personal experience?
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No, the accent is one my writing practice group loves when I use it in our “Flash Fiction” stories. If I don’t use it for awhile they ask where those characters went. Thanks for asking. (I hope I answered your question.)
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Great job, Alicia. I love using dialect and/or regional slang. In the “Idiot” story, I did a lot of research on both Canadian and Wisconsin slang. In my opinion, it gives the characters depth and personality.
That really came through in this piece. Well done.
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Thanks, Russell. There’s definitely a delicate balance with dialect. Too much and the reader can’t figure out what’s being said, too little and it seems like a mistake. Glad you stopped by.
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Sounds like a tale of betrayal to me. Great dialect!
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Me, too! I’m glad you read my wee tale and left a comment. Always appreciated.
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how sad.
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Yes.
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Great voice and a wicked story. You feel for the narrator’s sense of knowing he can do nothing about what he suspects/knows happened
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Thank you so much, Michael. I’m glad the sense of despair came through. Always appreciate your comments.
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Such a tragedy … like the others before me I enjoyed the dialect.
it’s refreshing to read things in other tones and voices. Nicely done, Alicia.
Have a wonderful weekend …
Isadora 😎
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Isadora, thanks for such a lovely comment. You have a wonderful weekend, too.
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You are just so good with authentic voice, Alicia. It’s so hard to do; to make it sound natural and not forced or stilted.
The story is so believable, too. I’m sure this sort of exploitation for monetary gain, and crass disposal of human beings who are no longer useful, happens every day somewhere in the world.
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What a delightful comment. Thank you.
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As others have said – great voice. Such a sad tale.
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Thanks, Clare.
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Nice one! You do this dialect so well. I can really here it.
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Thanks, Dawn, I’m awfully glad you stopped by. Alicia
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Great voice, Alicia. A believable story about the rich taking advantage of the poor. Good writing as always. —- Suzanne
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Thanks very much, Suzanne.
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