The armchair sleuth has been a fixture of mystery fiction from the days of Baroness Orczy’s ‘old man in the corner’ and Jacques Futrelle’s SFX Van Dusen. However, the frankly insane Inspector Allhoff was surely pulp fiction’s first wheelchair-bound detective. The creation of D’Arcy Lyndon Champion (1902-1968), Allhoff originally appeared in the pages of Dime Detective from 1938 to 1946 and the first ten of his thirty cases have been collected in this handsome volume from Altus Press.
I offer the following review as part of Bev’s 2015 Vintage Mystery Challenge; and Friday’s Forgotten Books meme run by Patti Abbott at her fab Pattinase blog.
“I knew there was some ghastly thought in the recesses of his dark and tortured mind” – I’ll Be Glad When You’re Dead
Allhoff is not officially in the employ of the New York PD because a few years earlier he was shot several times during a bungled arrest, leading to the amputation of both his legs – and the loss of much of his sanity. Trouble is, he is just too good at solving crimes. So money is found to keep him unofficially on the books and he moves into a tiny and very rundown apartment opposite the station house – his one condition is that rookie patrolman Battersly be assigned to him. Why? So that Allhoff can torment him every day – because it was Battersly who was meant to immobilise the shooter all those years ago during the arrest. But he got scared and Allhoff was cut down in a hail of bullets. The stories are narrated by Simmonds, a seasoned cop a few years away from his pension, who has been put in place to try and keep things calm (not that he has much success with that). Allhoff may occasionally ease off for a few minutes, but he is usually in a state of near or complete hysteria, engaging in endless tirades against Battersly while insisting he is the only man in the entire NYPD with any brains at all. He then picks on cases that usually Homicide thinks they have already solved, just to prove them wrong.
“You insulted me. You mocked the loss of my legs. You jeered at me. You derided me. Well, you’ll burn now. I hope you’ll remember when they strap you in the chair, that Inspector Allhoff sent you there! I hope you keep remembering while you burn in hell!” – A Corpse for Christmas
In his fine intro, Ed Hulse points to the debt the series owed to the Nero Wolfe stories and the fact that it pointed towards the long running Ironside TV show of the 1960s and 70s (let’s forget about the recent remake – everybody else has). The main difference is that Simmonds (who in a typical bit of pulp fiction editing becomes ‘Symmonds’ in one story) really hates Allhoff for his arrogance and the sadistic way he treats Battersly – but Allhoff is none the less always proved right, usually cracking the case by drawing on some unusual bit of information (such as the direction in which one writes in Hebrew). The stories themselves are pretty substantial, being 15,000 word novelettes, giving Champion plenty time to remind readers of the premise for the series each time (they originally only appeared about 3 or 4 times a year).
“Allhoff,” I said hotly, “if there’s anything lower than a louse, you’re it. You didn’t have to do that to Battersly. God, man! Have you no decent instincts? Have you no feelings?” – Cover the Corpse’s Eyes
Which is to say that it is a mistake to read too many of these in close succession as in each one Simmonds one again describes the relationship between the three men; Allhoff’s background and unofficial status; his addiction to strong coffee (which he drinks from a chipped and unwashed cup); and the slovenly state of the apartment too, which is all a bit grim but Champion does inject some humour too. There is a wonderful comic sequence in A Corpse for Christmas where Allhoff is brought a turkey by a no-nonsense young do-gooder as a charity believes that a person living in such reduced circumstances must need the help, leading to a glorious bust up. This is actually one of my favourite stories, along with Sergeants Should Never Sleep (a very elaborate tale involving a Nazi spy ring), as they both allow outsiders into the central trio, though Champion is very crafty, always folding this into the solution of the case. On the other hand, while these pulp stories stand out for their unusual emphasis on deduction rather than fisticuffs, they are also very repetitive, with virtually all the cases involving a staged suicide that Allhoff proves was actually murder. My absolute favourite may be Cover the Corpse’s Eyes, partly because it’s one of the few in the collection not involving a faked suicide and partly because the revelation of the murderer is an outrageous surprise that left me with a great big grin on my face.
So pace yourself as these unusual stories, told with great gusto, are well worth reading, especially in this new edition from Altus that is printed in a glossy trade-paperback format with a minimum of errors (except those that may have appeared in the original pages of Dime Detective), also reproducing the original illustrations by John Fleming Gould (1906-1996).
The stories in this collection are:
- Footprints on a Brain (1938)
- I’ll Be Glad When You’re Dead (1938)
- Lock the Death House Door! (1938)
- Cover the Corpse’s Eyes (1939)
- Dead and Dumb (1939)
- A Corpse for Christmas (1939)
- Sergeants Should Never Sleep (1940)
- Turn in Your Badge! (1940)
- There Was a Crooked Man (1940)
- Suicide in Blue (1940)
I submit this review for the 2015 Golden Age Vintage Mystery Challenge bingo in the ‘short story’ category:
Tipping My Fedora 
As ever, Sergio, a fascinating and informative review. I always like seeing how some of the things we see more commonly now in crime fiction actually have their roots fairly far back. I do see some parallels with some of today’s sleuths. But I agree – not something you want too big a dose of at once.
Thanks Margot – I really enjoyed this collection – but to be honest I feel the same about rh Father Brown stories – I need to pace them out.
A great piece that introduces me to a writer of whom I’d never before heard — as always many thanks. The precursor to not just Ironside but Lincoln Rhyme, I’d say . . . and in a way Nero Wolfe.
Thanks John – Tout definitely got there first! The caracter is very extreme so we would be talking about a decidedly sick, bitter and twisted Rhyme 🙂
Sergio, I immediately thought of the Ironside TV show when I started reading your review (I didn’t see the remake–so I never think about it 😉 ). Very interesting stuff.
Thanks Bev – some of the stories have been collected elsewhere but really worth getting in my view – a genuine one-off for a continuing pulp series it seems to me.
I have read some stories by D L Champion, but they all involve other characters and not Allhoff. In fact, he has written over 200 short stories and novelettes in various pulp magazines.
I have, however, decided to buy this book and get my first experience of Allhoff !
Glad I persuaded you Santosh – hope you really enjoy these!
This rings a faint bell… and I don’t think I mean Ironside. Perhaps I came across some of these books at a garage-sale or something.
Hiya – some of the stories have been reprinted in other collections, so far from impossible!
New to me. I enjoy short stories a lot as I can dip in and out as I feel like it, so this sounds good.
Definitely worth a look – and the book has been really nicely produced – money well spent as far as I’m concerned.
That’s as good a recommendation as any. Love the cover image too.
Yes, that cover, it really does scream PULP!, doesn’t it 🙂
Certainly does, and in a good way too.
🙂
Actually, Altus seem to have a ton of pulp material available – very tempting.
A lot of it seems to be from the Dime Detective stable but it’s my first try with them and I was very impressed – I hope theirs is a sustainable business model – I really want stuff liek this to do well!
Definitely looks like Dime novel stuff but the covers are just so darned attractive!
I did used to read a lot of Marvel and DC as a kid, growing up in Italy, before I discovered movies (and the opposite sex) but it’s not somethign I’ve stayed with at all – but some of the coveres are just sensational and I would love to have some of these hanging on my walls frankly – just for those primary yellows and reds!
Pacing is the key to reading “retro” stories. I was rereading some DOC SAVAGE paperbacks, but I had to space them out. I experienced the same reading experience when I was rereading the FU MANCHU series. And I like those primary yellows and reds, too!
Thanks very much George – there is such a wealth of material that one can be tempted to binge 🙂
Like others here, the first time I read an Allhoff story in an anthology of pulp tales, I thought immediately that he was both a more hardboiled version of Nero Wolfe and possibly the inspiration for the original “Ironside” series starring Raymond Burr.
In 2001, Adventure House published a collection titled FOOTPRINTS ON A BRAIN which contains all but one of the stories included in the Altus collection and adds a few others Altus omits.
And yes, you’ve gotta love the lurid covers from the pulps and paperback originals from the 1950s and ’60s.
Thanks very much Barry – I knew there had been another collection cut couldn’t remember the details.
These sound interesting, if I remember to space them out as you suggest. I don’t remember hearing about this author before, so thanks.
My pleasure Tracy – he seems to have been a very busy pulp author up to the late 1940s at least …
Those who want to sample D L Champion can click on the 2 stories (The Man Without A Head and The Man Who Wasn’t There) listed under D L Champion at
http://pulpgen.com/pulp/downloads/list_by_author.php?page=18#a437
Both stories are in public domain.
Thanks for that Santosh.
Sergio, I don’t remember reading any mysteries about armchair sleuths, at least not in recent years, and I’m really quite fascinated by Allhoff’s character which, by the way, sounds quite familiar though I can’t say the same for his creator. This was a good selection and review.
Thanks Prashant – they are very distinctive but clearly look forward to the more familiar IRONSIDE character on TV and the tetraplegic Lincoln Rhyme from Jeffery Deaver’s books (and the movie adaptation, THE BONE COLLECTOR).
Great piece, Sergio, and thanks for bringing the author to my attention.
Thanks Chris – I have to thank Ed Hulse for pointing me to it and the volume is great fun – really enjoyed these.
These definitely sound like the sort of stories you have to be ‘in a mood’ for. 🙂 I am intrigued by the three you mentioned as your favorites. I’m curious to see if they might be available for Kindle?
Oh yes Yvette, one’s mood would be all important – indulgent would be good! And yes, definitely available at a very reasonable price on Kindle 🙂