An Emotional Affair: It Can Happen to You Too (My Story)
Having an emotional affair was something I never thought I would be tempted by. And looking back, it's difficult for me to talk about.
But I'm sharing with you about this because having an affair is a temptation that can happen to anyone. I want you to know how to recognize the signs of an emotional affair, because no couple is immune from having an affair.
Infidelity in marriage can happen in the best of families (even to Christian couples) if we’re not careful.
I want to share my story about how I almost had an emotional affair, and give you practical advice so that you can avoid having an emotional affair (and protect your marriage and your family).
Emotional Affairs Can Happen to Anyone
Infidelity in marriage is a slippery slope that too many couples have fallen down… and it can happen one tiny choice at a time.
It doesn't even have to be about sex. In fact, for women, it's usually not.
Perhaps I'm stating the obvious, but emotional affairs are about needing emotional connection. It's about getting that “thing” that you are lacking. It's about getting that “thing” that you are lacking in your marriage relationship.
And it's about believing that someone else has to meet these needs because your spouse no longer can't.
The temptation to engage in an emotional affair is a scary and very real place, and I want to share my real and raw story here.
How I Was Tempted to Have an Affair
Nearly 8 years ago, my husband and I were just entering our second year of marriage. Newlywed bliss still right? Ha, hardly.
During that season, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel: debilitating year-long depression, isolation from friends, constant marital miscommunications, a failed business adventure, and a distance from God like I’d never known before.
I was in a dark place, and ripe for the enemy’s picking, especially that of an emotional affair.
My husband had never treated me unkindly, but he wasn’t filling my emotional love tank in the ways I had expected him to.
All those things that were exciting, exotic, and new when I was dating my husband were now dull, bland, and boring to me.
In fact, I’d begun to wonder if I had made a mistake marrying this man.
And now you can understand how easy it was for the smooth words of a male coworker to ignite my dormant heart (and make me consider having an affair).
This other man’s words of affirmation spoke deep into the lacking places of my soul. My heart suddenly thirsted and longed for this affection, and I began to stumble.
Playing with the Fire of an Emotional Affair
Unbeknownst to my husband, I allowed this seemingly harmless flirtation to exist. It was no big deal, right?
But after a few months of nurturing these seeds of temptation, one evening at a work related event things took a more serious turn.
I found myself alone on a lifeguard tower, with a man different from the one who placed the beautiful ring on my finger less than two years earlier.
A ripping at my heart and soul took place between what I wanted to do and what I didn’t want to do.
You see, I knew my husband was a good man. He’d been a Christian all his life. He saved his virginity for our marriage. He respected me, and ultimately, I believe he loved me.
Yet, the problem with our disconnected hearts was that he didn’t know exactly how to love me.
He didn’t know how I enjoyed being loved.
And this disconnect was ripping us apart and leading me toward a decision that I didn't want to make. And yet, I was desperate to feel loved–so desperate so that I was ready to pursue physical intimacy with another man that wasn't my husband.
I'd allowed my emotions to become so out of control that I was ready to have an affair. In fact, I already technically was having an emotional affair.
“How did I get here?” I wondered. “And what should I do now?”
My Brokenness Led Me Towards an Emotional Affair
I gave my life to Jesus when I was nineteen and felt, for the first time, that the deep emptiness in my heart was finally full.
Yet, in my mind, I was a blood-stained woman when my husband began to pursue me.
I felt inadequate. There was too much junk attached to me. In the past, I couldn’t even stay single for more than a few months before I found myself with another man. I didn’t trust my heart.
But my husband pursued me anyway.
He loved me and respected me in a way no other man had. He helped me learn tangibly about the grace and love of Jesus by his actions and obedience to love me regardless of my past.
To him, I was pure and unblemished, washed clean in the blood of Jesus.
That’s when I asked myself: Why was I now on this lifeguard tower with another man?
Did I want to go through with having an affair? Did I want to be known as “the other woman”?
What was my heart really longing for?
I was a believer in Christ, yet what was I missing and what was I running away from? My head spun with a mix of emotions. Multiple thoughts played into my mind.
I didn’t truly understand these questions until years later (which I share more about in this post).
But in this moment, I knew I had a decision to make.
The Pivotal Moment: Should I Have an Affair?
Here’s what happened that night on the lifeguard tower:
I chose to walk away.
How and why did I do it? Honestly, I wasn’t really sure why at the time. In that moment, however, I did know that I did not want to ruin my marriage.
In my heart, I also knew that not having an affair was the right thing to do. I knew that if I gave in to temptation, I would regret having an affair for the rest of my life.
And so, with this other man in front of me, I prayed silently to God for help.
God gave me the power in that moment to walk away. And because of my faithfulness to Him, I truly believe it is why God decided to transfer this man to another office within the following week.
Call it coincidence, but I call it divine intervention. God saved my marriage from an affair.
Having An Affair: What I Wish I’d Known Then
I am often asked by other women who are tempted to have an affair:
- How did you make the decision to walk away?
- What things should I know before I fall into having an affair?
- What are the warning signs before having an affair?
I cover these topics more in Part 2 of this post, but here are a few thoughts.
First, there were so many things in my life that led up to this lustful temptation (and led me to have an emotional affair)!
Many false agreements were made. Many lies blinded me from the truth. Many small, seemingly insignificant choices were made that led to bigger and messier circumstances, widening the gap of intimacy in my marriage between my husband and I.
There are things I wish I knew before, such as understanding intimate insights about men and women.
You see, there is more to this idea we have of love and intimacy than what we learned back in our 6th grade sex-ed classes.
Now that I’ve discovered these biblical truths, I see how they’ve revolutionized my marriage (and how they can transform other marriages as well).
Here are some of my favorite resources–those that I've personally found helpful and those that I recommend that every couple read in order to better understand our spouses and help protect couples from having an affair.
Resources for Couples to Prevent or Heal from an Affair
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
The Fantasy Fallacy: Exposing the Deeper Meaning Behind Sexual ThoughtsHis Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof MarriageOne More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling ApartEvery Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series)Every Woman's Battle: Discovering God's Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment (The Every Man Series)
Real Hope for Those Struggling with Having an Affair
I know I’m not the only one who’s experienced lustful thoughts and walked the fine-line between destructive and dishonoring decisions.
Are you in this situation today? Do you see the warning signs around you? Or maybe you’re already caught in an emotional affair or a physical relationship?
Regardless of your situation, I’m here to tell you there is hope if you're struggling with having an affair (an emotional affair or a physical affiar).
No matter how much damage has been done, or no matter how many mistakes you’ve made, I have seen the powerful effects firsthand of God’s indescribable grace in marriage.
I have seen true transformation by husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends—experiencing a love and joy they’ve never known before.
There is hope, and there is a way out. Read more about this in the next post, “5 Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair”.
Other Popular Posts on Strong Marriage
- 5 Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair
- Are Unrealistic Expectations Ruining Your Marriage?
- 5 Things to Learn from Christian Marriages That Ended in Divorce
- When to Keep Silent and When to Share with Your Spouse
Did this post encourage you? I'd be humbled if you would share this post about an emotional affair so that others can know about the dangers of adultery and protect their marriages. Please pin this post or share on Facebook.
Valerie… my heart breaks reading about the suffering that you’ve endured. I’m so so sorry. I pray that many others will read your story and be encouraged to stay faithful to their spouses. Thank you for your transparency here, and I pray that God will bring healing to your heart.
Devastating is all I can say when your spouse has an affair. Mine chose to leave and be with her. Three years later it still hurts. Some days I have to tell myself to breath just to keep going. I’m moving on with my life but to be discarded so easily after 12 years has incredible impacts on you. Getting your heart to listen to your head is easy. One can say we’ll he doesn’t deserve you or you’ll find someone who will truly love and care for you the way it should be are statements I hear from those well meaning friends and family. Frankly no. I’ve had enough. I don’t need this heartache again because I don’t gen have words to describe it adequately but if you’re thinking of having an affair or are in one. Stay work it through trust God to support you both you’ll come out on the other side. I’ve seen it happen and wish above all else he had made that decision. Because believe me divorce is the gift that keeps on giving even when you think you’ve gotten through it.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Just last year at this time I had allowed myself to become emotionally involved with a man not my husband of 16 years. Thank goodness I never allowed it to go further but I know eventually I would have given in to that temptation. Sadly I didn’t have the will to walk away, but instead my husband found out and approached me. I knew in my heart what I was doing was wrong, but I was starting to fall in love with this man and allowed my heart to dictate my actions. I’m so grateful….as hard and painful as it was…he found out. I was so weak and have so many regrets that I couldn’t take a stand for what I knew was right. I hurt my husband terribly and hate myself for showing such a lack of respect to him and our vows we made to each other. It’s been a long road, but we are making it. I still am amazed he’s found it in his heart to forgive me. The hardest and most embarrassing thing I’ll admit is that I still struggle with my feelings and find myself tempted on occasion to contact this man (and I hate myself every time I even let that type of thought enter my head), but I pray every day for help to stay strong and focused on the important things. Looking back I realize I had let my relationship not only with my husband grow weak, but with God as well. We are working hard to strengthen both again. It helps to read of real life stories of those who have or had similar struggles. It makes me realize I am not alone. Thank you again.
Jilly! WOW… thank you so much for being brave enough to tell your story. We need to hear honest stories of temptation and God’s great victory through them. This is a very real issue for so many! So thankful for your voice here!
I have been married many years and it never occurred to me that another man would attract my attention. But my husband and I took each other for granted and most of the time I felt like he did not care whether I was even around. We are Christians including the man who worked his way into my heart. I had no idea I was at risk for allowing this to happen. The temptation was great when the other man asked me to have a physical affair. What was I doing! How had I allowed it to get this far?! I chose to walk away because I did not know how I could possibly face my husband or expect God to hear my prayers or bless me in any way. I left this man, went home, and told my husband. He was so gracious and said he saw it coming from watching us in church. My husband forgave me and so did God. Now I need to forgive myself and allow God to heal us. I am so thankful I never took the journey that would have ruined my marriage and caused me to hate myself. However, if you have taken that journey please know that God is waiting on you to come to him. No sin is too great for our Savior to cover! Get counseling or go to a trusted friend to help you. Don’t be alone with it. I asked God to allow something good to come out of this. If I can help other women in this situation, I pray God will use me.
Thank you SO MUCH for so bravely sharing your story! There are so many people who have gone through this, and yet, few people talk about it. And yes–God can heal every and all wounds. He wants to free us from our sin and the guilt we’re good at placing on ourselves. I’m so glad that you were able to avoid this trap and that he is bringing healing here! Blessings!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am not yet married but last year I too almost became the other woman. My story was the same it started innocently and he was filling a hole in my life that I wasn’t letting God fill. I cut it off before I officially became the other woman but I walked around carrying the guilt from my decisions. Until recently I felt so guilty about it and although God had forgiven me I hadn’t forgiven myself. I kept thinking I am saved how could I do this and than I realized this is why God sent His Son to save me from myself. My biggest issue still in this situation is this man is everywhere, he and I have mutual friends and I still see him. I suppose that is where God uses a bad thing for good because I have to rely on Him constantly for strength to not fall back into that situation. Thank you for such honesty in this area it helps me to know I am not alone.
You are a shining example of what to do if one finds themselves straying. You get out!!!!! My wife didn’t, several times, and although we are doing everything we can to heal (with God’s grace) I am still a broken man after a year and a half later. When she was having her affairs she chose not to see the good in me anymore and only saw the bad. She couldn’t look past my imperfections as I have tried to look past hers all of our years together. I always tried to accept her as she was and for who she can be one through God, but she never gave me the same benefit of the doubt. Hopefully the lessons are learned and with time all can me mended as God first intended. It is a long hard road to travel to get back what was lost. But I do believe that with God and the atonement all things are possible. Sincerely, Broken Hearted
Very honest post. Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx
Good for you for not being afraid to share your story – knowing that it could help so many other marriages! I think that if we’re honest with ourselves, this threat is one that all marriages truly have to watch out for! Thanks for linking up with us at #FridayFrivolity and hope you join us again this week!
Thank you for being so open, and sharing this. Many women, including myself have struggled with this. We need to help each other, not condemn and gossip!
Friday Frivolity
It takes guts to share your story. Thank you for stepping forward to share it. Visiting from the #HomeMattersParty
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it hits really close to home and shows just how hard marriage is. A good reminder to communicate is any needs are not being met.
Hi Jennifer! Thank you! I’m glad to share.
A touchy subject but so real and often not spoke about. Thank you for sharing on #overthemoon
Temptation can come from the most innocent of places.
I never thought I would ever approach the idea of an affair. I was married with 5 kids. I was in a unhappy marriage, my husband was having an affair. I was on the verge of a break down, and lonely. So, In 2010 I became a brand new Christian, going to church for the first time. It was a small conservative country church. I had tons of questions about Jesus. An elder took me under his wing. He studied the bible with me, he answered every question that I could come up with. In this particular church the men were the teachers of the word, which was why I did not have an older woman helping me. Over time the man would began to cross lines. Loving talk, lingering hugs, telling me words I wanted to hear, but from my hubby, not him. One night in the dark parking lot of the church he crossed a line, and I didn’t walk away…..I ran! I had been little by little walking with the Devil, I thought it was ok, because it was an elder, I was misleading myself. My marriage survived. I’m much more careful now.
Your honesty is so refreshing and beautiful! Thanks for being brave & writing about something so near to your heart – so delicate. MANY women (and men) need to read this. Love this blog & the message being proclaimed here!
Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Thank you for your transparency! This is so encouraging to me. God bless you!
Marriage is such hard work, especially in those beginning years when neither of you know what you’re doing. I’m so happy your story had a happy ending and that you thought to pray for help.
Thank you so much for sharing this honestly! This is important – we have to talk about it! I remember during one season that my husband and I also felt disconnected, I wasn’t even consciously THINKING about having an affair but I found myself flirting with another guy… It hit me like a … wrecking ball? (not to go Miley Cyrus here, but it’s the appropriate word) between the eyes. Once I realized what I did, I had no idea how I even got to that point, but I started walking away at that point. Maybe over time I can understand all that was going on, I didn’t even see it coming at that point, I have sincerely no idea how that reaction came out of me or why… But all this to say, Satan’s works are that sneaky! Temptation can sneak up on you that fast! And I wish someone had posted warning signs for me before I was at that point – so I’m glad you are doing this for other married women! Glad I stopped by from the Creative K Kids Thoughtful Thursday Link Up!
This is a very real issue among many women and men too. I have always been a firm believer that it actually takes three to make an affair happen. Maybe even four people if the other person is in a committed relationship.
When a love bank is full and lines of communication are open, the idea of an affair rarely crosses the mind of a happy spouse.
I will be interested to read the rest of your series.
Thank you for sharing with us at Thursday Favorite Things Blog Hop
Olivia- Co-hostess
Reinvented Collection
Melinda, thank you for sharing and opening up your heart as well! I can fully relate to your struggle, and fully understand the battle of producing a strong marriage after things get slippery. I will be praying for you and your marriage my friend, that God would indeed bring you to a place where you feel completely whole and valued because HE believes you are! And that is enough. Yes a 2nd follow up post will be posting soon! Feel free to follow along on my blog at RefineandRestore.com as well!
Thank you! God is my strength, always.
Thank you! Yes unfortunately it is a more common struggle than admitted by many women. So many friends have confided this same issue and struggle to me. Praying that by sharing my journey toward healing with this issue it will prompt others to do the same.
Yes, thanks Wendy for sharing that verse! I couldn’t agree more.
Thank you for your openness. It is so easy to become vulnerable to infidelity. We want to feel special, attractive, desirable. And marriage is HARD! Especially with a history of less than godly relationships. Everyone needs to understand how destructive seemingly harmless emotional affairs really are. And they’re a slippery slope into adultery. I did not walk away in my life lifeguard-tower moment or for some time after it. My marriage survived. But with so much unnecessary pain. The consequences of allowing my value to be so tied to what men thought of me didn’t end when my wedding band was placed on my finger. It’s an ongoing battle to accept my wholeness in Christ. It is difficult in our society to get young women to separate their value from their bodies and how they display and use them. This is your first post I’ve come across and I look forward to reading more.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It seems so easy to have an affair; and I admire your strength to walk away!
Lindsey, I totally agree. I’m grateful that Rachel has offered to bare her heart like this so that others can see that these situations are common. The enemy wants to destroy our marriages, and sometimes silence about these tough issues is his greatest weapon.
Great post! This needs to be talked about more and more. I think those who have the courage to share their stories can help those struggling in silence. They are not alone.
Great verse, Wendy. Yes, we need to be alert and aware of the enemy’s plans to destroy our marriages!
Of course! Your books and teaching have been inspirational and foundational to so much of the understanding I’ve gained through this issue. Thank you!
Thanks for the shout out for Every Woman’s Battle and The Fantasy Fallacy, Rachel! – Shannon Ethridge
Thank you for sharing, Rachel. The verse that comes to mind is “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour..” 1 Peter 5:8 – Thank you for the reminder to keep this crucial part of my life well guarded.