When I saw this week’s FF picture, it reminded me of a prompt from many moons ago, but it also sang out loud and clear what I wanted to write for it. I hope it works for you – please do share your thoughts and feedback.
Rochelle leads the FF charge with a photo this week from Adam Ickes – who is not only a great long-term Fictioneers, but has recently published a collection of his 100 word stories in print and Kindle format. I haven’t read it yet, but if his FF entries are anything to go by, I’m sure I can recommend it. Stop by his site for links to his amazon pages to get hold of your own copy. Reminds me I would love to do the same thing sometime – well done Adam for setting a great example!
In the meantime, my FF story for this week…
The Drifters
We lie wrapped together and I am falling in love, but his storm-blue eyes hold a baser desire that I ache to meet. From the park, I can hear the carousel and almost taste hot dogs, fries and onions, but only I can sate his hunger and must learn quickly how.
Because of him, Father has forbidden me my home and Mother – shocked but still Mother – could smuggle me nothing but a brief embrace and her warmest blanket. He begins to cry. Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, on a blanket with my baby is where I lie.
elmowrites 
Jen, so much to say about this. Let me start with the way you used the lines from the song to end the story after hitting us with the perfect twist. You got “The Drifters” in the title and you captured the love of a mother, too. You used what might be considered puns but in a completely serious way and it worked. Congratulations. As for the book, I’m sure we’ll be talking about yours one of these day.
janet
Thanks Janet. I totally accept the puns comment, when I was reminded of the name of the band, it just seemed to perfect not to use as the title (originally just “Under the boardwalk”). I’ve always thought it strange how many songs would mean something completely different if baby meant baby!
So true about the “baby.” As for the pun comment, I meant it as a compliment. To do puns in a serious way is as difficult as it is good.
In the beginning I wasn’t expecting a baby, but eventually the story led me there. The father seems a cruel man. I couldn’t imagine turning out my own child and grandchild that way. Well told.
Also, thanks for the plug!
I agree absolutely, but these are opinions that probably held true pretty much everywhere at one time or another. I feel for the Mother too, having no choice but to support him.
A deeply moving story with a heartwrenching twist. So much emotion, so much expert storytelling, all packed into 100 words.
🙂 Thank you Jan
Very sad, albeit more true than we probably care to admit.
I definitely think it’s happened, mamma. Too often to count, and pretty much all over the world.
Very clever in the different meaning that can be taken from the first paragraph. Well done.
Thanks zebra – I was hoping that tricked a few people – and of course it might have happened the one way to cause it happening the second way nine months later…
Dear Jennifer,
This is one of the best stories ever posted on Friday Fictioneers. Ever.
Aloha,
Doug
Doug,
I’ve missed you! And not just because you say such nice things. Glad you liked it.
Aloha right back at you!
Well done with a twist at the end. I agree with Doug – a moving story and a stellar example of a true flash.
I do hope humanity has evolved beyond kicking girls out for getting pregnant, but I’ve heard worse true stories
You tell this tale with a light hand and easy touch. Nicely handled. I enjoyed the read.
Cheers!
MG
Wonderful! You fooled me there, the misdirection was expertly delivered. Well done.
Wow, Jen, this is a brilliant story! The carnival details suggest how young she is, the parents’ reactions reveal their character, and I agree with Sandra, the misdirection is superbly handled. Love this!
Dear Jennifer,
Don’t ask me how I knew but I did catch that it was a baby from the beginning. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced that love affair three times. I love the way you wrapped your story around it. Magnificent.
Shalom,
Rochelle
And what a complex one it is – I wanted to show that even after they are born, there is still some falling in love to do. Too many stories seem to gloss over that, IMHO. I’m happy that you caught it; the clues were there.
Lovely and heart-rending story of a young girl who’s father has cruelly cast her out. It seems that her mother is also afraid of the brutish father. I’m sure this happens more than we’d like to think. Well done.
Such an unexpected love story of devotion and loyalty. I was intrigued by the opening of a budding relationship between the two, and then for it to twist deeper into one between mother and son simply amazed me. Wonderfully ingenious.
Thanks adelie, I’m glad you liked it so much
Oh I am so moved! I have tears in my eyes. 🙂
Aww 🙂
Jen, I love that it was a baby in the end. It made everything sink in even deeper. I only hope she can raise her son so he won’t cast his daughter out of the house. So sad but wonderfully written.
I like to think he’ll learn a bit more about humanity and mistakes, DCT. Thank you
Beautifully sad with a twist I was not expecting. Funny enough I’ve been singing this song in my head while reading the various 100 words because of the prompt. 🙂 Wonderful ending, Jennifer.
Wow. You’ve done it again. Using the last line of the song, twisting it into something sad and… (sorry, I’m a bit speechless. This was SO good).
Definitely start working on that anthology, darling. Your ability to capture these moments — when you are at your best, like this time — is unparalleled.
Reblogged this on Being the Memoirs of Helena Hann-Basquiat, Dilettante. and commented:
Not for the first time, Jen at elmowrites has blown me away with her ability to a) capture in only 100 words what for some would be a novel and b) use phrasing in such a way that it is damn near music, or poetry. You’ll never hear the song she references the same way again. Stop what you’re doing and go read this little story, and give Jen some love. Tell her Helena sent you!
Wow Helena, thank you for the reblog and for your generous praise. You give me hope for that future anthology!
After the line ”I can only sate his hunger and must quickly learn how’ I thought baby. And Ioved your use of the line from the song at the end. Powerful and thought provoking Jen, well done.
Dee
Thanks Dee, I did think that line was probably a big clue, although still possible to read as a different kind of hunger. Glad it made you think!
Clever story. I was left feeling that despite the difficulties, mother and baby will be ok
Powerful.
Ah Jen,I was totally misled in the beginning and then it broke my heart when I understood her plight-lovely insight into the characters of her parents and so believable-amazing job is just 100 words!Excellent take on the prompt 🙂
Thank you, atrm, sorry about your heart 😉
My heart is very used to healing itself,so no worries Jennifer,lol!
darn, i was led to believe it was a lovers’ tryst. great twist.
Really, really, well done.
Very sad. Is it a fairground romance/tragedy? I see a movie here.
ooh, that idea hadn’t occurred to me, but yes why not? Sounds like a fantastic idea.
A wonderfully deceitful set up, and filled with trepidation, the desire to succeed and love. Masterfully told.
love the subtle way you lead into something so unexpected…the young mother abandoned by her own family. i can imagine the father saying things like, “I told you so…live with the consequences of your actions…”
a very good realistic story.
I hear him too – thank you for sharing in her plight
I love how you told this emotionally-charged story, and tied it in with the group and lyric. My heart aches for the daughters who are cast aside.
Wow, that is stunningly beautiful: the description, the senses, the deep emotions and struggles. You blew me away with this.
-David
Cheers, David. As for the senses etc, I have to thank the original lyricist(s) for those – it’s all straight out of the song
Very well done! What a jerk of a father to banish his own child. Callous and cruel, I think. Good story! Thanks, Nan
Kind of smacks of Emily Bronte meeting Kenny Young and Arthur Resnick. Interesting way of telling the story. Good stuff.
Now that really would be a combination, wmq! I’ll take either comparison, and both, as a complement
Yes, it IS a compliment on both counts. You did great! Keep at it!
Wow! Amazing. I don’t even have the words… Very powerful!
If only it were possible to like comments!
I didn’t know anything about ‘The Drifters’ but recall the song vaguely. Didn’t have to have the back story anyway: it was a good story in its own right. You’re an excellent writer. 🙂
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Oh that is sad a lovely. Beautifully crafted
Thank you, Neil
Great twist at the end. Drew me in and loved your descriptions – ‘storm-blue eyes’ – very evocative.
I’m so glad you liked that. It’s one of those descriptions that just came to me, but felt right
Loved the twist that it was a baby — I was seeing something more sexual (and darker). Although my favorite part was, “Mother — shocked but still Mother” — that said so much about her mother and their relationship.
Yes, I wanted Mother’s love to be a model for hers, even though Mother wasn’t strong enough to stand up to Father.
This is a stunning piece of writing. Very well done.
Thank you! I’d forgotten about it until Rochelle reposted the prompt, but it’s a favourite of mine
Some times a story just has to be told, and this one was a cracker, well done
Cheers!
Oh dear… this is very well penned. Poignant and profound.
🙂 You are very kind
I meant every word. 🙂
I enjoyed how you incorporated the song.
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