It’s time for Friday Fictioneers. Thanks Rochelle for leading us. It feels good to be back. My story is a tad dark today.
For more stories from the Fictioneers, please click here.
Genre: Horror
Copyright – Sarah Ann Hall
Mixer (100 words)
Cole took the Chamberlain mansion without hesitation. In its prime, it was the playground of the social elite. He envisioned writing the summer away while sipping from crystal glasses, putting the final touches on what certainly would be an award-winning novel.
Walking up its path, Cole could barely distinguish the entrance, obscured by overgrown grass and wildflowers. As he opened the door, dust swirled around his head and a stench of smoke and rot overpowered him. Choking, he stumbled outside to throw up.
When his agent came looking, while the mansion appeared spotless, neither Cole nor his story were recognizable.
I’m hooked. Did the house eat him? Did something in the house eat him? Very sneaky ending. Bravo!
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Thanks! I appreciate that. I thought it be might too abrupt or not enough. I think this could very well be the middle of the story…but it could also be the end. Indeed, something has eaten him.
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I was always told the mark of great short fiction was to enter in the middle of a story and leave with the story still continuing—so you definitely achieved that!
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Thanks! Your comment made me smile.
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the last line could instead read, “…neither Cole nor his story were recognizable.” i know that’s one extra word, but you can easily cut one somewhere. like here: “Cole could barely distinguish the entrance…” great job.
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I like those suggestions, Rich! Thanks, my editor. What do I owe you? I was struggling with the end a lot.
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owe me? hmmm. those glasses?
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Hee hee…Never! You can’t have those…
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keep that door locked. jus’ sayin’
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I haven’t upset you, have I? I think I’m going to have bad dreams now…
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whatever you do, try not to dream about a window left open and a snake slithering in. that wouldn’t be good. don’t even think about it. nah. never happen. probably.
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I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear this…
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Brilliant. I love horror stories and this one is great.
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Thanks, J.D. I appreciate that! Glad you enjoyed it.
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Oh oh. I love houses that have character, but that one might have a tad too much. 😉 Not in a bad way! Looks pristine but isn’t. If you were struggling it doesn’t show. I liked it a lot!
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Thanks, Jackie. I’m trying to give the haunted house theme a little twist. Glad you liked it!
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Great little piece… I want more. I love descriptive lines like “He envisioned writing the summer away while sipping from crystal glasses,”
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Thanks, Lily. I appreciate that!
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A dark twist to an equivocal ending.
You have me wanting more of the story.
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Thank you so much!
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Somehow he has become part of this house. Id he trapped or does he enjoy his new form? Hmmmm…
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These are interesting questions you pose for me to ponder. Thanks!
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Whoa…
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I hope that’s a good Whoa, Cathy.
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Nice one! I’d have a real time of it trying to stay reined in to 100 words, but you eased that one.
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Thanks, Sally. Well, I always have to cut! It never fails.
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I love these challenges! I could never do it because I’m way too wordy, but I enjoy reading others’ attempts at this. Loved it.
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Thanks, Jen! I appreciate it. You should try it some time. I think it’s been very positive for my writing.
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Dear Amy,
So much for that playground, eh? Good one.
shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks, Rochelle. I’d been out of the Fictioneer challenge for a few weeks. I missed it. It’s good to be back among this talented group.
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spooky ! 🙂
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Thanks!
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Definitely a spooky twixt. I say, beware of Rich.
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Thanks, Frank. I always beware of Rich!
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I was actually jealous of him at the beginning – having a mansion to write in – I don’t even have my own room! I think I’ll stick where I am though seeing what hapened to him 🙂
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Thanks, El. It sounds so perfect from the get go…thanks for reading! I’m sorry I’m behind this week. I will be reading yours!
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My thoughts run along the lines of “The Shining” or “The Secret Window”.
Of course I want more.
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Thanks, Michelle. Those are both fine scary tales! I may work further on this one.
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Excellent!
janet
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Thank you, Janet! I appreciate that. I will be reading yours. I’m sorry I’m so behind this week. Yikes! It’s that time of year.
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I think something never left and now Cole may never, as well. Love this story, Amy. It has a wonderful creep factor. Ooh! I just got chills. 😀
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Thanks, Debra. I think the house is holding him captive. That’s my feeling about it. I hope it’s the right one.
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Poor Cole. His time at the Chamberlain mansion could have gone a few different ways. Either he had writer’s block and distracted himself by cleaning the whole mansion, or something less mundane and more sinister happened………….
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I believe the latter, Weebs. That’s my feeling on it. He’s been taken over by that house. Thanks for reading.
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the living dead who’d come before with ambitions of their own perhaps???? the agent is making a killing reselling that mansion to unsuspecting novelists.
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That would be an interesting premise, wouldn’t it? That’s Honie!
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This is fabulous, Amy. I love that ending!
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Thanks, Dianne! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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Nice! I always love your scary stuff (well, ALL your stuff of course). It’s kind of a reverse of the Picture of Dorian Gray? (I don’t suppose you’d want to write into a full-length novel. I love the premise).
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Oh, so kind David! Oh, so the house is like the picture? Do you think Cole becomes worse off? That’s kind of what I was going for, but after reading comments and thinking about it, it could go the other way….he could be become this gorgeous but devious millionaire. What do you think? As for a novel, maybe, maybe. Thanks for the encouragement.
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Love the description of that smell, and it’s great not to know what happened to Cole. 🙂
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Thanks, Bjorn! It’s nothing good, that much I can tell you.
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Nice job! A true house of horrors and I’m scared!
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Splendid, Perry! I’m thrilled to have scared you.
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Ooooo… a riveting tale, indeed Amy! Very nicely done (as always)!
I’ve heard people say that the ‘secret’ in real-estate is something like, ‘Location, Location, Location’… but it’s probably just as important that your house doesn’t freak-out on you!
🙂
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Thanks, Robert. You’re very kind! Yes, location is one think, the freak-out factor is another! I think it’s too late for Cole. I think it’s important to try to feel the vibe of place before living there, don’t you? 🙂
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Like the turn round from over-confidence to gibbering wreck, or that’s what I assume Cole has become.
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I initially thought he would be pale and weak, but it could go the other way…he could be the savvy millionaire transformed by the house. But your assumption is correct. Thanks, Sarah.
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Okay, maybe because I hate cleaning house I took it that he spent his time cleaning this horrid house and so the house was clean but he and his writing were an atrocious mess when the agent got there. I guess I took it for a different kind of horror story 🙂
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My thought was he was a mess, but his writing took a different darker turn. But maybe not. Yeah, it’s a little open ended at the moment. It could be that he becomes part of the house, a voice of the house.
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